During the work hours at my computer, I seek refuge for my eyes by routinely turning my glance away from my computer screen and into the bottom of a glass. Be it tea, water, Fresca, or Tab Energy--I'm drinking it, and a lot of it. Considering such, it should be no surprise that I need to visit the ladies' room often--about once an hour.
Now, the office suites in my work building are modest. Ok, really modest--these offices are small and most don't house more than a couple of women (excluding the testosterone-free, overzealous fleece-vest-wearing environmental group around the corner). Despite this apparent lack of female representation on floor two, I have learned more than I ever needed to know about women and public restrooms.
I have unscientifically but methodically determined that there are five types of female public bathroom users:
1. The Participatory Pooper. This gal leaves home in the morning with it, allowing her to unceremoniously share it with everyone who has to take a quick bathroom break in the A.M. to relieve themselves from the grande latte they drank on their commute. There's one woman in particular who is known to me as "K. Swiss," because I can only identify her by her shoes and her stench--and I think K Swiss is a little nicer, so I choose to go with that. The Participatory Pooper unloads with a crowd, and she doesn't care. If she is a kind P.P., she will open the window, but if you hear it going up before you enter the ladies' room, proceed to another floor immediately.
2. The Curious Hand Washer. This woman rubs her hands together under the faucet for as long as it takes for a woman behind a stall door to reveal herself. She is curious and can't leave the restroom without confirming who might be sharing the room for a few minutes with her. She seems to play a game with herself, surreptitiously (and sometimes not) looking in the mirror and craning her neck to get a better view between the cracks to spy and identify the "culprit" before she's done and joins her at the sink.
3. The Brooding Tooth Brusher. This female brushes her teeth apparently after every meal but appears pissed off about it. Maybe the frequent brushing is mandated by her dentist or a nagging breath problem, but either way, don't get in her way at the sink. She is angry and avoids eye contact, though one of these days I'm dying to point out how old the pipes are in the building and ask her if the water tastes funny since it is so obviously cloudy.
4. The Timeout Toe-Tapper. Like the Participatory Pooper, the Timeout Toe-Tapper is most identifiable by her footwear (but thankfully not the stench). This woman waits for you to finish your business before proceeding with hers. She doesn't expend a peep while you are in there but instead keeps a happy, albeit sometimes impatient, beat with the tap of her toes. This woman has manners!
5. The Invisible. Ok, so I had to create a category for women such as myself, so deemed Invisible because we slip in and slip out, nary causing alarm to fly open the window or retreat to another floor. I think we all appreciate each other, as these are the only women that attempt to exchange sympathetic smiles when the smell is wretched and hand out compliments when one looks particularly cute that day. Of course, these are my favorite kind of ladies, though we don't provide very good stories.
Anyone else have tales from the office restroom? Leave a comment!
*I like to pretend someone is actually going to comment, hence the enthusiasm and belief that people are actually going to read this, much less have stories of their own. Keep the dream alive!